SECOND BEST

The men in my life... they’re probably or precisely the reason why I decided to write this blog. For such a time if you notice, I wasn’t able to write entries about love. I used to be a ‘love blogger’, someone who loves to write about love.

And here I go again, whew, this is not a good sign!

Let me start with a*shole, so far I can say that I am much better, yet I still feel the pain once in a while, I am trying my very best to cut ALL my connections, but sometimes circumstances reconnect themselves! And I must admit there’s still hatred.

Then there’s ‘baboy’, he texted me last Saturday with this message:

‘Anghel ka Ü Bumalik sya.., bibigyan daw nya ko ng chance Ü yeah!!!’

Baboy is my ex boyfriend who asked for my shoulder for the first time. That was the first time I saw him depressed big time! I don’t have romantic feelings anymore, I’m sure of that, but he is special, and seeing him overly in love with this girl made me ask myself… was he like that before when we broke up? I am just scared that I would lose him totally, we were like best friends already =(

Then there’s this guy I am seeing at the moment, he makes me smile, he calls me to make sure I’m okay, visits me once in a while after his work… but I am still lonely. Did you ever had this feeling when you felt that both of you are just using each other as rebounds? That’s what I’m feeling right now! It’s like we’re forcing ourselves to compensate each other’s failed expectations, it’s like I am happy with him, but I am happier with someone else.

THESE THREE GUYS… THESE THREE STORIES, WHAT DO THEY HAVE IN COMMON? SIMPLE… I AM ALWAYS THEIR SECOND OPTION.

It may sound unfair for the third guy to conclude this, but that’s really what I feel, I mean he just came from a break up!

After Brian, all I ever did was wait; wait for the final verdict. I am the one to adjust… I am the one to understand… I AM THE MEAN TIME GIRL. For the mean time I’ll call Fao, for the mean time I’ll ask Fao for dinner, for the mean time I’ll show my affection to Fao. Well those are literally the MEAN times, mean as in bad, mean as in painful, mean as in heart breaking.

But I’ll give this man a chance, I won’t judge him yet, maybe I’ll never see his good intentions if I’ll focus on his past. But as I write this and wait for his call I still feel lonely, because I am scared, I am cautious… I’m tired of rationalizing explanations. I’m sick of being the one to give way. I’m done with ‘I AM HAPPY FOR YOU’ moments.

Yet beyond all tears, I rediscovered a Man who NEVER took me for granted, who never made me His second option… I was never His mean time girl. I always pray for that blissful feeling again, I always tell Him to take care of these three guys. And now I am ashamed because I never realized that despite the pain these men caused me, there is still one left, and He is Lord God.

For sure He felt the same way as I do, the second best, the one we consider for the mean time. He has witnessed all my heartaches, He heard all the pain, and He felt all the sadness. He is my consistent and persistent suitor, never gets tired to check on me, never gave up on me, never lost His love for me. I always tell Him how thankful I am for meeting those three guys mentioned, for a while they made me happy, and each time they will make me cry, that's the only time I become thankful for having Him with me =( I AM SORRY, and so above anything else, I will make You the first option in my life, as I am to You!

SOON enough I will be someone’s first, not necessarily first on his priorities, but first on his heart. I’ll be brave again, I won’t hesitate… I will let myself fall, so hard, so fast. I won’t question his intentions; I won’t doubt my feelings…

And for the mean time, I will feel very special… I will LET myself be SPECIAL Ü