S.O.S.

So another year has ended. How did mine go? Specifically in terms of matters of the heart, it has been a never ending whirlwind. Admittedly up until as of writing, the whirlwind hasn't stopped. I wish it will, i wish it did. But it keeps turning and turning to almost the degree where it goes beyond what has been expected, at the brim of what I can handle. Swaying to God knows where.

I started last year with choices: the old love or the new. I chose the old love. You know when you get into a situation where a big part of your past suddenly comes back just when you have found the right guy, the question of "what if" can haunt you every night. What if there's a reason why it happened? What if the new one is the right one? What if we (the past) were given a second chance? It will never be an option to keep both. So I didn't.

But as the year ended, these two words kept flashing back into my consciousness again - "What if?". What if I made the other choice, what if I went for the morally acceptable option? Could I have been happier? 

For all it's worth, this relationship I decided to pursue has taught me so much, and I will forever be grateful for such wonderful experiences and memories. Ow the gallon of tears shed out of love, frustration, hatred, and most of all, hurt. Just to set your expectations, this is not your typical love story. The boy and the girl falls in love, swam their way to the ocean of commitment where a cruise of spectators applause for approval and support. NO. 

Ours is an island. Quiet, unknown, isolated, lost, tragic, beautiful.

I live in a world with him where nobody hears our laughters and tears. Only him, only me. Only us. And so those happy memories are neatly kept in my own little treasure box that I can never brag about to anyone... no matter how I want the world wide web to see it. These moments, are silently kept in my heart. And the sad ones? They're all tucked in the filthy garbage, together with our other many excess baggages, errr, I mean garbages. These moments, unfortunately are scarred in my heart too. 

This is special. As much agony this relationship has caused me, it will remain special. Not all are chosen to experience such an unexplainable connection with someone, that no matter how time brought them apart, no matter how judgment inflicted pain and fear on them, that boomerang just won't give up. 

I thought that was enough. I learned more about handling relationships because of him. I have seen my worst, also because of him. I have never exercised stupidity this much, yet I have never showcased such patience and understanding this way too. The emotions went high to low, one can always give up. But my favorite "bunny" never failed to swing me back to him. Thank you for the one hundred and one reasons why getting back with you was worth it. That includes meeting my family too. You have set a feat quite hard to exceed, on many ways, in many circumstances. 

Now if I am asked until when do I see myself holding on, maybe until to what I can handle. Until there is the longing to hope. The hope of surprises, of normal dates, of sweet gestures, of security, the hope of feeling special just even for a day. I believe in any relationship, surprises doesn't equate to any materialistic nor idealistic impression. Sometimes you would just love to be reminded that hey, you deserve it. The whole whirlwind of 2014 (and half of our 2013) with him has been plotting answers to my "What ifs" all along. I thought him loving me is all I wanted, that even with the situation we are in right now, I'll be okay. Until day by day, slowly I was feeling ordinary. Non-existent even. Or maybe the weight of the "situation" has been dragging me to feel that way. Suddenly I have been missing so much of what could have been if I stayed with the right guy. And by 'right guy' I meant 'right timing'. Because if you haven't figured it out yet, the bunny hopped when he shouldn't have. And I obliged to give the carrot. 

I'm so longing to be on the right path now, where effortlessly things will fall into place. Where I can wake up and assure myself that I am special to someone. Where I am number one. I know he loves me, I credit all efforts. But it's the sad reality where there are gonna be things I won't ever experience, because it's me. It's just me. It's over a year of sacrifice, really. I feel that I just want to rest. Everyday I pray that I will have the courage to love someone else again. I know what I deserve and I know who deserves me.

The island has been getting lonelier and lonelier as the year turns. The waves are getting higher, it's quite hard to run away to. I may have loads of reasons why I should continue to stay and love you, but this hole in my heart has been yearning for something I know you won't be able to patch. Blame it on your ocean, it can outweigh its current over you. Blame it on the whirlwind, it may just sweep off all even to the last grain of sand. Or blame it on our island, it was never enough and sturdy for us to jump off our own ocean.

SUNKEN

(written last april 5 - 2:30am)

I am not used to this anymore. Writing while listening to a good song, and basically just trying to put into words certain emotions. Just came from a short beach trip, and went back feeling like this. THIS. What exactly is ‘this’?

Accidentally discovered this old song from Usher entitled ‘Foolin’ Around’, and unsurprisingly fell in love with it right away. I am forever an Usher fan! As I played the song for the 2^nd time, I suddenly felt teardrops running down my face. Maybe it’s the melody, the lyrics, or maybe it’s just me and my current mood. Have you ever felt that feeling of doubting your own capacity to trust someone? I mean, gauging yourself if you trust too much or you’re just too protective of yourself to even allow someone to be part of your life? Parcel of moments flashes back at me and realized that, to a certain degree, I kinda lost some people in my life because of this so-called trust. Lost time with, lost stories with, and yeah, lost trust with as well.

I changed, I felt I did inch by inch. But I am convinced that this is for the better. Not for the best I know, but the better. Maybe there are really some things that are meant to be experienced alone, it’s not because you chose not to need those people around you, it’s just that some stories are better left unsaid. Don’t ask me though, if everything’s worth it. I honestly can’t tell. All I know is that it will always be our decision to trust someone, and most often than not, it’s up to them to take good care of it. Close minded to some, naïve to others, that’s fine. The worst part is questioning yourself already - which I believe I unintentionally asked on the first part of this post. I don’t know, I am just utterly fixated with how and where I am now. Seems so vague I know, but this is just how I can fully explain it through writing.

This is not a case of read between the lines, this is not an avenue for assumptions. This is my heart speaking and wanting to release even just a little percent of it on this platform which I hardly use already due to the fact that being private is not an invited word to the party of social media community. But spare me, the sacrifices are overwhelming. Just please, seriously please, stand by me despite its meek shadow. That even on the anonymity of it all, you would still love to see me smile. That even on my silence, I will still deserve respect.

Time and trust. The longer you trust someone, the deeper you are sunken to its every essence. Now, I guess it’s too late to even gauge it. I am down there already, below that deep carving of conviction. Believe in the goodness of people. I am off to start a new chapter in my life soon, there will be new people to meet, new friends to share laughter with, new playing field, new characters to trust… but this time, with tears falling on agreement, I won’t let myself to be too nice anymore, to be sympathetic, to be submissive. Like what I have said: spare me, the sacrifices are overwhelming. 

VALENTINES AND COOKIES

FEB.14 - Someone sent me here at work this mrs.fields cookies :) ty whoever u are!

Forgot to post it last Tues (feb.14). As I wait for my fetch to the bridal shower tonight, which I organized as well, I saw this cookie card. Indeed making you feel special is something that can inevitably make someone smile, and for this I can say that all gestures are appreciated. But at the end of the day, all I need is someone who will be brave enough to stick by me, stand by me, and be proud of me. These surprises from secret admirers? Yes, they're flattering. But c'mon, secret admirers? At this point, I don't really care, I'd appreciate it if you could give it to me personally. Like what I would often say lately: Ang kailangan ko eh yung kaya ako panindigan.

I would be attending a party I organized for someone who will soon vow forever with. I am more than happy for her, and tonight she'll be celebrating this one last night of being single, flirtatious, promiscuous and young, because after wedding day, cookie cards and what-not, will just be a little cherry on top.

BELATED HAPPY VALENTINES DAY <3

REGINE MADE ME CRY

I was able to watch Regine Velasquez and Ogie Alcasid’s wedding special entitled “A Duet to Forever” on GMA7 last Sunday night. I really looked forward for it since it’s the wedding of two of the most prominent singers in the country!

But what I really got excited with is the time where in they would have to say their wedding vows to each other. I mean, wedding vows, these are composed of words coming from the bride and the groom… coming from their hearts. Those aren’t dictated by the priest, those aren’t read on the bible, those are words that they wrote themselves, and with that you would be able to feel just how much love they have with each other. And with Regine’s vow, no doubt about it, she knows exactly how lucky she is.

I saw myself drowning in tears as I continue watching the wedding vow part, damn, I was literally laughing at myself. My mom is with me in the living room, but she is sleeping. Lights are closed, I am hugging a throw pillow, and then “sniff… sniff”, my gawd, I can’t stop crying! I was even checking my mom every once in a while to see if she’s looking at me. But you know what, I am grateful that I only got to watch it on TV, with only myself to notice me. Coz much to my dismay, I ALWAYS CRY ON WEDDINGS. Let me describe it in Filipino… ‘walang palya!’, haha! Yeah I can’t remember a wedding I attended where in I didn’t drop a tear or two.

I was able to coordinate 3 weddings already, I am not the organizer for the whole event but I am part of the team, and just imagine a coordinator, someone who is supposed to walk from every corner of the room to check if everything’s okay, will suddenly stop… stare at the couple… smile, and then whoala, cry. And when reception comes, if the onsite video happens to have an oh so dramatic music, again, I would cry. Tsk weddings, why you wanna make me cry huh? Haha!

I don’t cry sad tears, I don’t envy couples, I don’t pity myself. I cry because weddings, for me, are moments of hope. And if I may go back to Regine and Ogie’s wedding, I cried so hard on Regine’s wedding vow because she indeed gave me hope.

Regine Velasquez, as we all know, also shared a roller coaster love life. She was even caught between the regine-ariel rivera-gelli de belen triangle. We would often see her sing, sometimes get to watch her on film, or star in tv shows, but we would also sometimes wonder… when the hell will she get married, she’s getting old! I remembered asking that couple of years ago, I mean she’s like Mariah Carey (again? haha), divas who almost forgot that you cannot actually marry musical notes. Well of course not until Nick Cannon showed up at Mariah’s doorstep. And Ogie Alcasid, well, their musical notes touched each other’s lives =)

Regine was tagged as a stealer when she and Gelli de Belen had a conflict because of Ariel Rivera. And then some people judged her negatively once again when they knew about her and Ogie’s relationship, since Ogie was popularly known to be the husband of Michelle Van Eimeren. It wasn’t a smooth journey for Regine on the love department, and the more I saw myself in her. I was claimed as a ‘bf stealer’ too, and just for everyone who can’t relate to this situation, sometimes we too are victims of circumstances.

“Tinanong tayo ni pastor kung bakit tayo magpapakasal, mas madali daw kasi maging single… pero hinde. Nung dumating ka sa buhay ko, pagod na ko… at malungkot na ko.”

And then she sang Apo Hiking Society’s ‘Di Ko Malimutan’

“Naging mahirap ang simula natin. May mga pagkakataong sumuko ako, patawad mahal. Hindi ko naman kasi alam na ito pala ang sukli sa lahat ng paghihirap na yun. Mabuti na lang at hindi ka sumuko, maraming salamat.”

“I have never been so happy in all my life, thank you!”

Despite all uncertainties, I will still not get tired; I won’t lose hope on love. I will keep on praying that a good relationship will come my way. I would often tell my friends how lucky my future husband is, because I have saved a big space here in my heart to the man I will spend the most number of years with.

If the time comes where in I’ll get tired, or probably lose hope on love already, I know that God reserved a man for me, just in time to make me realize that all this waiting, and praying, they’re all worth it. Regine’s vow made me realize that years may gone by, but one day, someday, the wedding you’ve been imagining will come true. That someday I will be that bride, in front of the Lord, with my friends crying because the girl who used to cry all the time because of the wrong boys she chooses is finally facing her forever.

And just the same, I will still cry… I will cry as I utter my own wedding vow.

I will cry, still cry, because the hopes, dreams, the prayers, and wishes are finally coming true.

THE IDEAL GUY

What is ideal and what is essential? I started asking myself as I check my phone waiting for messages coming from at least one of them:
A PAST, A PRESENT AND MAYBE FROM AN IMPOSSIBLE FUTURE.

I AM UNFAIR. I AM CONFUSED.



I don’t know how to explain this,
but is being idealistic a good or a bad thing?
I remembered asking God to give me a better relationship,
a relationship that would last longer,
a relationship where I can be better.
This year I’ve set my parameters.
I would date guys who are mature,
and for that I would go for older guys.
I would look for someone who knows what he wants in life,
someone who keeps track of his future,
someone who can give me a good future.
For the past years I’ve been settling with mediocre relationships.
Guys who would give me
the moon and stars,
yet would leave me with
nothing but unfinished business
and lessons learned from heartaches.

I would want to be with someone who can inspire me to be better,
who can SUPPORT my dreams, my passion.
I want that someone whom I can confide about anything and everything.
I want him, I want him badly.
Is it wrong to expect for
something better?

…
WHAT IF I MEET THAT IDEAL GUY,
but he can’t love me back.

To be honest, I can’t really explain what I’m going through right now, but one thing’s for sure…
I am starting to hurt people.
I offended my ex-boyfriend for calling him immature more than a hundred times this week (okay I’m exaggerating).
I started avoiding my suitor thinking that he can’t be good enough for me. And where am I now,
yearning for a certain someone to at least give me a little attention.
That someone, I hope, is my ideal guy.
Like your prince charming, like your dream come true…
like my answered prayers.


I want my past and/ or my present to be my ideal guy.
I want to be taken care of by someone who can UNDERSTAND my thoughts; he doesn’t have to agree with me all the time, but I know he’s there to listen.
I want to smile at the end of the day thinking that I learned something from him, and he did too to me.
Someone mature enough to spoil me yet will also tell me that I am acting like a kid when I shouldn’t be.
The guy who would make me laugh so hard with the craziest jokes, and would impress me with the most unpredictable ideas.
The guy who would bring me to dinner dates, yet is honest enough to say no to fulfill his other duties.
That same guy who would RESPECT my privacy and time as much as I would value his.
I want to be with the guy who can be busy with so many things yet can still exert an effort to go to church.
I want to be with that guy who can love me as a girlfriend, and most importantly, as a friend,
a best friend.


If only they can be that guy,
if only my ex-boyfriend or my suitor can try to be like him,
but no, they can’t.
And now I apologize for being pushy,
for expecting too much,
for asking for too much.
But nobody can tell me that the ideal guy is impossible,
that I would never meet him.


Again, what if I’ve already met him but unfortunately
I am not his ideal girl.


I started asking myself once again,
what is ideal and
what is essential?
Is it the person I’ve dreamt of loving,
or the person who can give me the love
I truly deserve?


Idealistic.
Showing a tendency to envision things in
perfect but unrealistic form.


IT IS SUBJECTIVE,
HANDLE IT WITH CARE.

"...? "

How much do you treasure a past? How can a person affect you so much that you’ve spent two years of your life having different relationships, but still, yes still… you know it’s still him. How many times have you tried burning the bridges down? How long can you stand the endless impossibilities of that moment to happen again?

What is the purpose of a person investing his / her feelings for someone, only to find out that it’s not gonna be reciprocated at all. What is the bottom line of two individuals showing same affection, yet are questioned by their own feelings. What do you do when all you’ve done is to make him a better man, only to find out that you made yourself less of a person?

Where will I begin to start the many reasons on why I think he’s special? Where do you go when he starts to love someone new? Where did we stop and where did all these feelings started… again. Where am I in your heart, and where do I stand in your life?

Why do we always end up sending sweet messages yet we are only friends now. Why can I not know the reasons on why you’re still here, I lost you but not really. Why did I met you, remembering the very day you were introduced to me, I can’t help but ask myself… why did I fell for that one in a hundred smile.

When will something so special happen again? When do I tell you that I miss you, and this time you’ll believe it? When will I hug that special boy who made me realize that true enough, embraces are much sweeter than kisses. When can I hear from him that he appreciates me, even just the appreciation, that will do, he doesn’t have to love me.

Who is he, carrying the smile of a boy and the eyes of a lover? Who is that special someone that made me strong, made me selfless, and made me so happy all at the same time? Who is that boy I’ve asked God to take care of, that boy I will never forget, that boy who I believe will turn out to be a brave man after all.

Who is he and why do I miss him? When will I see him again and what will happen after? Where do we go from here and how will all these end?

“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day. Letters to a Young Poet”

PS: as I write this, a message was sent to me from that special boy… he said he miss me =)

ONE DAY AT THE MALL

I was supposed to say hi to you; yes I was supposed to approach you. I was with my girl friends, and you we’re all alone. In the right corner of my eye I noticed a cute guy walking across the coffee shop. We we’re headed there too, but my friends decided to check the movie schedules first. It was you, I knew it was you. We finally then went to the coffee shop after… and you weren’t there anymore?

After burning our lungs out and drowning ourselves with caffeine, we then went to the movie house. The movie was good, the people at the back were earsplitting (especially there god damn phones), and I am not in the mood for anything that my other friends seems to enjoy doing. There was something about that guy I saw a while ago that haunts my every step in the mall. After the movie, we continued our shopping journey (and I ended up buying a 5 inch high Havaianas, haha). As we we’re about to go out the mall… I saw him! The one I saw headed to the coffee shop… it’s him again, this time standing outside a restaurant!

I can’t help but stare at him; it’s as if I haven’t seen him for ages. He looked my way, we we’re analyzing each others’ faces… maybe to make sure that we we’re gazing at the right person. I was correct then, he was my past lover. I never thought I’d see him that soon. Along with those stares are questions on how he has been after we’ve parted ways. I was happy to see him alone honestly, looks like we weren’t on the same track in the recovery chase… that’s what I’ve concluded to myself. I mean I had a boyfriend after him, his best friend said he hasn’t even courted anyone yet.

As soon as we got each other’s attention, I stepped forward and forward (almost half across him)… and then of course, my friend interrupted the moment: shouted, grabbed my hand, and showed a text message from her crush! Like, duh?? After reading the message and giving a plastic smile and supportive comment, I then went to where my ex was.

He didn’t saw me this time, something probably caught his attention. But to my dismay, it’s not something… but someone. He went in the restaurant and approached this beautiful lady, like a couple dying to meet again… like what I felt when I saw him. I was stuck up for some seconds. That joy on his face, that walk full of nervousness and confidence combined… that excitement, everything was so familiar! My friends had no idea that I was in the middle of the mall staring at a guy I care about so dearly, watching him listen eagerly to the girl beside him. Hard to admit, they make a good couple. I turned my back, walked away, and finally went off the mall. My friends asked me what happened… I just smiled and said nothing. I was obviously wrong, maybe we’re on the same track in the recovery chase. Or maybe the girl his with is just a friend, nothing more than that. But whatever she is to him, I think my last resort is to be happy, I had my own share of new relationship… it’s his turn now. Sometimes befriending your pasts isn’t as easy as it sounds like, it takes a lot of courage actually. He was the one who doesn’t like the idea in the first place, so I was a bit surprised to see him accommodate my smile. But these pasts of yours are the people you once shared your heart with. These are the characters in your life that at one point we’re considered your prince and princesses. But unlike the fairy tale, the battle doesn’t always have a happy ending. Nevertheless, let’s not close the door for friendship. After mending the broken heart, why not open it for a new purpose, the art of loving someone you’ve loved before… only in a different approach. An ex is synonymous to a ‘former lover’, not to an ‘enemy’. Hurt does lead to anger… but time also lead to forgiveness. You may not forget the pain he gave you, but that is just because you don’t want to forget the love you’ve given. Let’s not dwell in the past, yes, such a cliché… but clichés are clichés for a reason. I mean, why not focus on the future and on the better possibilities of both of you as an individual, than settle yourself on the past and all it’s impossibilities of both of you as a couple!

Hours after leaving the mall, he sent a text message asking me why I didn’t even bother to approach and greet him outside the restaurant, I didn’t reply. But I was supposed to say hi to you, I was supposed to approach you… but someone else caught your attention.

LOVE STORY OF A BAD BOY

May.14, 2004

>… I was introduced by my friend to Mr. Gian Karl Legarda. Actually, he was called Poknat by almost everyone he knows (since he have one, and has been kalbo or semi-kal ever since, so it’s pretty obvious plus he’s really fair skinned). My 1st impression you might ask? Typical bad boy, digging chicks and racing cars, smoking weed and present to all sorts of frat fights!

November 27, 2004

… Poknat with some of his friends and I went to Sibil. This was those times when both of us got close already and he has been my kalokohan buddy since then.

December 15, 2004

… Just a day after a break-up, Poknat was there to be my comfort zone w/c is the least person I expected to help me since he’s really not your usual ‘shoulder to cry on’ guy!

This was also the time when he became my ‘honey’,, nah, we just started calling each other hon that time for kalokohan purposes as usual ;-P

January 01, 2005

… He asked me if he could court me, and I said yes...

But my bad, I went in to a relationship 18 days after, and it’s not with him. He still waited. I had another relationship (short term), again it’s not with him… but he still waited.

May 24, 2005

… Me and his friends decided to drink at Cholo’s house since everybody’s bored and yeah, most of us are depressed that time! When some of us started getting dizzy and all, we decided to stop the session for a while. I chose to sit on the floor while listening to heart wrenching songs which probably made us more drunk and depressed.

Poknat seated right next to me, even though I know that he’s still mad for letting him court me for how many months while I was happy having my ‘own’ relationships. I’m quiet, he’s irritating! He keeps on singing the songs played as if he was directly telling it to me word by word. At last, someone broke the ice… he started asking me if I’m okay (pa-concern effect), and I acknowledged his concern by honestly saying no.

He started initiating questions which revealed every hurt that I feel at that time. And as usual, he became my comfort zone again, and again, and again. He gave me advices about the pains I’ve felt on my previous relationships, even if I know that this hurts and humiliates him a lot. He was kind enough to let me cry on his shoulders (literally), and hugged me as tightly as he could possibly hug every pain I’m experiencing that moment. And right that very second that I looked into his eyes, I saw and felt him taking away all those pains, he was hurting too like I never imagined he would!

I started realizing what a fool I am for not recognizing his love right from the start. I started crying not for my past but for the times I’ve hurt him. And I started wishing that he would ask me again… to be his girlfriend. Minutes passed… and he didn’t ask me. Not until we stood up to drink water! He whispered to himself (which I could perfectly hear) while helping me stand up: “Kung ako na lang kasi yung sinagot eh no? Tanga tanga kasi eh,tsk2 ”! I didn’t waste anytime, I looked at him and told him: “Ikaw na nga sasagutin ko eh, para di na ako tanga… ok lang ba?” while flashing my shy smile =)

At first he couldn’t believe what I said so I repeated it loudly and clearly so that he can finally answer my question and make it official (huh? At ako ang nag-propose?hehe). Of course he said that I could answer him already, then we both hugged, after that he ran into the living room where everybody’s probably dreaming already and shouted: “KAMI NA!!! FINALLY, AFTER 5 MONTHS OF WAITING!!! TOL GISING KAYO, PUTA NAMAN OH, SUPPORT NAMAN!!!” He successfully woke them up, and since almost everyone’s recharged already… we continued drinking, but this time, with a celebration, hehe!

October 03, 2005

… We’ve been together for 4 ½ months already, but suddenly he asked for a cool-off (hello, like it’s really helpful). But I respected his decision. We didn’t have much communication for 3 long weeks, I didn’t noticed how time pass by. For all I know, he’s unfair for making such decisions (he didn’t told me his reason).

October 24, 2005

… Just in time for our 5^th monthsary, we decided to fix things up. He told me that he read a friendster message of mine to a friend (since he knows my password) which says how sad I am on how our relationship was going. All my complaints about him was there on that message, and he read it! I told my friend that Poks is slowly being possessive and narrow minded, so he decided to give me space and so that he could also ponder on his attitude change. But the cool-off resulted to a sin he said he didn’t really wanna do =’(

I didn’t cry when he confessed it to me (it’s gonna be our lil secret, hehe). I just listened to him on the other line. I don’t wanna cry… coz I don’t wanna believe everything he said! I forgave him though it’s hard. I love him and I understand him. The distance probably made him do that (that’s what he said). And after weeks of not seeing each other, how can I not miss him… so I chose not to be mad!

Our relationship went well. Yes, there have been a lot of fights, misunderstandings, tears and wounds. But we’ve been together for how many months, I don’t wanna let those things get in our way. There our times when I miss the old him, but I still appreciate who he is. Every monthsary was a memorable one. He surprises me with all those sweet gifts. I just don’t wanna let go, I weigh in the pros and the cons, and forcefully put the high mark on the pros to lessen my hesitations!

But maybe even on how much you love a person, if the hurting is too much, no matter how you understand the situation… your grip will slowly give in! I decided to break up with him. December 24 is our 7th monthsary, next day Christmas, there’s no way I can do this! Again, I held on to my grip and just patiently waited for a miracle… that everything will be back to normal...

January 03, 2006

… Fresh from Baguio (where he spent the holidays), he fetched me in school and we went to the mall. At the back of my mind, I know that I should break up with him. But damn, how we missed each other so much!

Going home, he asked me how my Christmas vacation was sarcastically (he was pertaining to the parties I’ve gone to), and I have no idea why does he have to be so sarcastic most of the time! We started having an argument in the cab. We started shouting at each other not minding the driver. I just wanna cry! I told myself, that’s it… this has got to end now! I told the driver to drop us in starbucks (can’t think of any place at all). He continued being sarcastic and pinpointing every wrong move I’ve done!

When we arrived in starbucks (UN), it’s a weird thing that he suddenly became his old self and started joking me… desperately making me laugh (hmm, maybe he sensed my plan, I dunno!). And that’s it, while drinking our favorite frappe and lighting a cigarette, I uttered the words: “ayoko na, pagod na ko, we need a break-up… ngayon na! ” He smiled, telling me how corny and dramatic I was. I looked at him and was really pissed off, I almost shouted, but fine, I’m gonna disgrace myself if I do. I explained everything, I don’t wanna be unfair to him, I want him to be aware on every reason why I was provoked to make this decision. In the end, I still reminded him that it has nothing to do with me not loving him anymore, but it’s about me not happy with the love I’m feeling already! He kept quiet the whole time, he still didn’t wanna believe, but I forced him to.

On our way to my house was the longest trip I had with him. Usually when he’s gonna accompany me home (whether he brought a car or from a cab), he would only drop me near our house and not exactly in front of our gate. But that time, I asked him to go down near our house, and walk with me from the gate. We said our goodbyes while avoiding tears from falling. I told him to go already but he insisted me to get in our house first before he leaves, but I said no. I said that I don’t wanna be the one to turn my back up to the last time we’re together. I want him to turn his back on me. And as he was walking away, I just looked at him… slowly his image fades away from the dim street. I went in our house crying, but I know I made the right decision, I love him… but I’m just tired. I love him… but it’s not making me any stronger. I love him… but it’s making me lonelier. I love him… but it doesn’t make me happy anymore! =’(

Jan.07, 2006

...It’s the 2yr. old bday of Pok’s nephew. His family invited me a day before (my god, he didn’t told them yet!). I said yes coz I also wanna be with his family even for the last time. Poks met me in an LRT station nearest to san juan (where he lives). We went to the party pretending to be a sweet couple. Smiling at each other when we really just wanna cry. Introducing me to his other relatives as his girlfriend and then whispering to me afterwards: “mamimiss ko to… introducing you as my girlfriend”. His sister was a wedding planner and even announced: “Hay nako, ako ang magha-handle sa kasal nitong 2”! After that incident, I asked him to lend me his car key or just accompany me inside the car. We both sat quietly in the car while smoking a cigarette. He asked me what’s the matter, and I just started crying. I told him that I can’t stand it anymore. Seeing his family so supportive on our relationship, and there I was, gave up already. He hugged me and wiped my tears. I stayed in the party as a sign of respect. I bravely became an actress to a role I am not fitted anymore. And as I was about to leave, I hugged his parents and siblings (and kuya ken’s gf w/c became so close to me already). I’m gonna miss them!

…tomorrow will be a month after we broke up. Tomorrow will be exactly one month since I let go. It was his bday yesterday (Feb.1) and my bday 3 days ago (Jan.30), we could have celebrated it together. Jan.24 was supposedly our 8th monthsary, we could have gone out and have dinner together. Feb.14, Valentines day, we could have been one of the couples celebrating love. This was all what could have been, what should have been… but everything’s never had been anymore.

Hon (we decided to still call each other honey until one of us gets in a relationship again), I always wanna thank you for letting out my capabilities to love a person unselfishly. Thank you coz from January to present… you loved me despite unconsciously hurting you. I’ll never forget how you never fail to make me laugh whenever you dance the gigolo steps, or how you mimic your older sister whenever he scolds at you. I’ll never forget the times when you patiently taught me how to park a car, to play the guitar and a lil drums, to play billiards and most of all, I’ll never forget how you taught me basketball… you’re my favorite playmate! I’ll always remember how loud you cheer whenever I earn a 3-point shot. You never fail to flatter me whenever you whisper: “galeng ng hon coh” everytime I sing and either you or mackoy plays the guitar. How can I forget surprises, unexpected gifts, sweet comments and lovely smiles whenever I’m down.

Yes, you’ve been a pain in the ass, but I hope I’ve changed you somehow or another. You told me yesterday if you could still wait… I said no. Poks how many times do you have to wait? I don’t want history to repeat itself. Just be thankful that at least, for 7 ½ months, we’ve been together, nothing to wait for anything anymore. And remember, love doesn’t make people wait, if you love someone then you shouldn’t play with time and promises… and that’s exactly what I’m doing!

I hope I taught you many things, like being brave. You’re not brave by all the fights you’ve gone to. By all the punches you made and received, I never saw you brave at those times. I always told you to face your problems, never, and I mean never, expect beer and weed to help you. Oh by the way, I’m not a rehab, just bec.you didn’t take any weed at those times that we’re together, it doesn’t mean that I’m the reason for it. The thing is, you just don’t have any reason for taking one. Even now, it’s not a reason, just be brave hon… don’t want you to be the bad boy again?!

Sorry for everything… almost one month, and we’re slowly getting farther and farther from each other. I never wanna hurt you, but that’s what loving is all about. I have also forgiven you despite all the emotional and physical hurt this relationship has caused me, don’t worry, I don’t regret anything at all. My life gets lovelier and complete whenever I hear ‘I love you’ from you. The pain’s all worth it, this made me love you more… but we just have to let it all burn. I want you to love someone who can bring out all the best in you. I want you be the happy Gian that I’ve met before. Take good care of yourself honey coh. It’s okay if you still don’t wanna make friends with me. I know that somewhere, somehow, whenever that is… you’ll be my unexpected comfort zone and my shoulder to cry on again… just like I never imagined a typical bad boy would do! =)