Thursday, February 2, 2006


May.14, 2004
>… I was introduced by my friend to Mr. Gian Karl Legarda. Actually, he was called Poknat by almost everyone he knows (since he have one, and has been kalbo or semi-kal ever since, so it’s pretty obvious plus he’s really fair skinned). My 1st impression you might ask? Typical bad boy, digging chicks and racing cars, smoking weed and present to all sorts of frat fights!

November 27, 2004
… Poknat with some of his friends and I went to Sibil. This was those times when both of us got close already and he has been my kalokohan buddy since then.

December 15, 2004
… Just a day after a break-up, Poknat was there to be my comfort zone w/c is the least person I expected to help me since he’s really not your usual ‘shoulder to cry on’ guy!
This was also the time when he became my ‘honey’,, nah, we just started calling each other hon that time for kalokohan purposes as usual ;-P

January 01, 2005
… He asked me if he could court me, and I said yes...
But my bad, I went in to a relationship 18 days after, and it’s not with him. He still waited. I had another relationship (short term), again it’s not with him… but he still waited.

May 24, 2005
… Me and his friends decided to drink at Cholo’s house since everybody’s bored and yeah, most of us are depressed that time! When some of us started getting dizzy and all, we decided to stop the session for a while. I chose to sit on the floor while listening to heart wrenching songs which probably made us more drunk and depressed.
Poknat seated right next to me, even though I know that he’s still mad for letting him court me for how many months while I was happy having my ‘own’ relationships. I’m quiet, he’s irritating! He keeps on singing the songs played as if he was directly telling it to me word by word. At last, someone broke the ice… he started asking me if I’m okay (pa-concern effect), and I acknowledged his concern by honestly saying no.
He started initiating questions which revealed every hurt that I feel at that time. And as usual, he became my comfort zone again, and again, and again. He gave me advices about the pains I’ve felt on my previous relationships, even if I know that this hurts and humiliates him a lot. He was kind enough to let me cry on his shoulders (literally), and hugged me as tightly as he could possibly hug every pain I’m experiencing that moment. And right that very second that I looked into his eyes, I saw and felt him taking away all those pains, he was hurting too like I never imagined he would!

I started realizing what a fool I am for not recognizing his love right from the start. I started crying not for my past but for the times I’ve hurt him. And I started wishing that he would ask me again… to be his girlfriend. Minutes passed… and he didn’t ask me. Not until we stood up to drink water! He whispered to himself (which I could perfectly hear) while helping me stand up: “Kung ako na lang kasi yung sinagot eh no? Tanga tanga kasi eh,tsk2 ”! I didn’t waste anytime, I looked at him and told him: “Ikaw na nga sasagutin ko eh, para di na ako tanga… ok lang ba?” while flashing my shy smile =)
At first he couldn’t believe what I said so I repeated it loudly and clearly so that he can finally answer my question and make it official (huh? At ako ang nag-propose?hehe). Of course he said that I could answer him already, then we both hugged, after that he ran into the living room where everybody’s probably dreaming already and shouted: “KAMI NA!!! FINALLY, AFTER 5 MONTHS OF WAITING!!! TOL GISING KAYO, PUTA NAMAN OH, SUPPORT NAMAN!!!” He successfully woke them up, and since almost everyone’s recharged already… we continued drinking, but this time, with a celebration, hehe!

October 03, 2005
… We’ve been together for 4 ½ months already, but suddenly he asked for a cool-off (hello, like it’s really helpful). But I respected his decision. We didn’t have much communication for 3 long weeks, I didn’t noticed how time pass by. For all I know, he’s unfair for making such decisions (he didn’t told me his reason).

October 24, 2005
… Just in time for our 5th monthsary, we decided to fix things up. He told me that he read a friendster message of mine to a friend (since he knows my password) which says how sad I am on how our relationship was going. All my complaints about him was there on that message, and he read it! I told my friend that Poks is slowly being possessive and narrow minded, so he decided to give me space and so that he could also ponder on his attitude change. But the cool-off resulted to a sin he said he didn’t really wanna do =’(

I didn’t cry when he confessed it to me (it’s gonna be our lil secret, hehe). I just listened to him on the other line. I don’t wanna cry… coz I don’t wanna believe everything he said! I forgave him though it’s hard. I love him and I understand him. The distance probably made him do that (that’s what he said). And after weeks of not seeing each other, how can I not miss him… so I chose not to be mad!

Our relationship went well. Yes, there have been a lot of fights, misunderstandings, tears and wounds. But we’ve been together for how many months, I don’t wanna let those things get in our way. There our times when I miss the old him, but I still appreciate who he is. Every monthsary was a memorable one. He surprises me with all those sweet gifts. I just don’t wanna let go, I weigh in the pros and the cons, and forcefully put the high mark on the pros to lessen my hesitations!

But maybe even on how much you love a person, if the hurting is too much, no matter how you understand the situation… your grip will slowly give in! I decided to break up with him. December 24 is our 7th monthsary, next day Christmas, there’s no way I can do this! Again, I held on to my grip and just patiently waited for a miracle… that everything will be back to normal...

January 03, 2006
… Fresh from Baguio (where he spent the holidays), he fetched me in school and we went to the mall. At the back of my mind, I know that I should break up with him. But damn, how we missed each other so much!
Going home, he asked me how my Christmas vacation was sarcastically (he was pertaining to the parties I’ve gone to), and I have no idea why does he have to be so sarcastic most of the time! We started having an argument in the cab. We started shouting at each other not minding the driver. I just wanna cry! I told myself, that’s it… this has got to end now! I told the driver to drop us in starbucks (can’t think of any place at all). He continued being sarcastic and pinpointing every wrong move I’ve done!

When we arrived in starbucks (UN), it’s a weird thing that he suddenly became his old self and started joking me… desperately making me laugh (hmm, maybe he sensed my plan, I dunno!). And that’s it, while drinking our favorite frappe and lighting a cigarette, I uttered the words: “ayoko na, pagod na ko, we need a break-up… ngayon na! ” He smiled, telling me how corny and dramatic I was. I looked at him and was really pissed off, I almost shouted, but fine, I’m gonna disgrace myself if I do. I explained everything, I don’t wanna be unfair to him, I want him to be aware on every reason why I was provoked to make this decision. In the end, I still reminded him that it has nothing to do with me not loving him anymore, but it’s about me not happy with the love I’m feeling already! He kept quiet the whole time, he still didn’t wanna believe, but I forced him to.
On our way to my house was the longest trip I had with him. Usually when he’s gonna accompany me home (whether he brought a car or from a cab), he would only drop me near our house and not exactly in front of our gate. But that time, I asked him to go down near our house, and walk with me from the gate. We said our goodbyes while avoiding tears from falling. I told him to go already but he insisted me to get in our house first before he leaves, but I said no. I said that I don’t wanna be the one to turn my back up to the last time we’re together. I want him to turn his back on me. And as he was walking away, I just looked at him… slowly his image fades away from the dim street. I went in our house crying, but I know I made the right decision, I love him… but I’m just tired. I love him… but it’s not making me any stronger. I love him… but it’s making me lonelier. I love him… but it doesn’t make me happy anymore! =’(

Jan.07, 2006
...It’s the 2yr. old bday of Pok’s nephew. His family invited me a day before (my god, he didn’t told them yet!). I said yes coz I also wanna be with his family even for the last time. Poks met me in an LRT station nearest to san juan (where he lives). We went to the party pretending to be a sweet couple. Smiling at each other when we really just wanna cry. Introducing me to his other relatives as his girlfriend and then whispering to me afterwards: “mamimiss ko to… introducing you as my girlfriend”. His sister was a wedding planner and even announced: “Hay nako, ako ang magha-handle sa kasal nitong 2”! After that incident, I asked him to lend me his car key or just accompany me inside the car. We both sat quietly in the car while smoking a cigarette. He asked me what’s the matter, and I just started crying. I told him that I can’t stand it anymore. Seeing his family so supportive on our relationship, and there I was, gave up already. He hugged me and wiped my tears. I stayed in the party as a sign of respect. I bravely became an actress to a role I am not fitted anymore. And as I was about to leave, I hugged his parents and siblings (and kuya ken’s gf w/c became so close to me already). I’m gonna miss them!

…tomorrow will be a month after we broke up. Tomorrow will be exactly one month since I let go. It was his bday yesterday (Feb.1) and my bday 3 days ago (Jan.30), we could have celebrated it together. Jan.24 was supposedly our 8th monthsary, we could have gone out and have dinner together. Feb.14, Valentines day, we could have been one of the couples celebrating love. This was all what could have been, what should have been… but everything’s never had been anymore.

Hon (we decided to still call each other honey until one of us gets in a relationship again), I always wanna thank you for letting out my capabilities to love a person unselfishly. Thank you coz from January to present… you loved me despite unconsciously hurting you. I’ll never forget how you never fail to make me laugh whenever you dance the gigolo steps, or how you mimic your older sister whenever he scolds at you. I’ll never forget the times when you patiently taught me how to park a car, to play the guitar and a lil drums, to play billiards and most of all, I’ll never forget how you taught me basketball… you’re my favorite playmate! I’ll always remember how loud you cheer whenever I earn a 3-point shot. You never fail to flatter me whenever you whisper: “galeng ng hon coh” everytime I sing and either you or mackoy plays the guitar. How can I forget surprises, unexpected gifts, sweet comments and lovely smiles whenever I’m down.

Yes, you’ve been a pain in the ass, but I hope I’ve changed you somehow or another. You told me yesterday if you could still wait… I said no. Poks how many times do you have to wait? I don’t want history to repeat itself. Just be thankful that at least, for 7 ½ months, we’ve been together, nothing to wait for anything anymore. And remember, love doesn’t make people wait, if you love someone then you shouldn’t play with time and promises… and that’s exactly what I’m doing!
I hope I taught you many things, like being brave. You’re not brave by all the fights you’ve gone to. By all the punches you made and received, I never saw you brave at those times. I always told you to face your problems, never, and I mean never, expect beer and weed to help you. Oh by the way, I’m not a rehab, just didn’t take any weed at those times that we’re together, it doesn’t mean that I’m the reason for it. The thing is, you just don’t have any reason for taking one. Even now, it’s not a reason, just be brave hon… don’t want you to be the bad boy again?!

Sorry for everything… almost one month, and we’re slowly getting farther and farther from each other. I never wanna hurt you, but that’s what loving is all about. I have also forgiven you despite all the emotional and physical hurt this relationship has caused me, don’t worry, I don’t regret anything at all. My life gets lovelier and complete whenever I hear ‘I love you’ from you. The pain’s all worth it, this made me love you more… but we just have to let it all burn. I want you to love someone who can bring out all the best in you. I want you be the happy Gian that I’ve met before. Take good care of yourself honey coh. It’s okay if you still don’t wanna make friends with me. I know that somewhere, somehow, whenever that is… you’ll be my unexpected comfort zone and my shoulder to cry on again… just like I never imagined a typical bad boy would do! =)