Tuesday, April 10, 2012

SUNKEN

(written last april 5 - 2:30am)

I am not used to this anymore. Writing while listening to a good song, and basically just trying to put into words certain emotions. Just came from a short beach trip, and went back feeling like this. THIS. What exactly is ‘this’?

Accidentally discovered this old song from Usher entitled ‘Foolin’ Around’, and unsurprisingly fell in love with it right away. I am forever an Usher fan! As I played the song for the 2nd time, I suddenly felt teardrops running down my face. Maybe it’s the melody, the lyrics, or maybe it’s just me and my current mood. Have you ever felt that feeling of doubting your own capacity to trust someone? I mean, gauging yourself if you trust too much or you’re just too protective of yourself to even allow someone to be part of your life? Parcel of moments flashes back at me and realized that, to a certain degree, I kinda lost some people in my life because of this so-called trust. Lost time with, lost stories with, and yeah, lost trust with as well.

I changed, I felt I did inch by inch. But I am convinced that this is for the better. Not for the best I know, but the better. Maybe there are really some things that are meant to be experienced alone, it’s not because you chose not to need those people around you, it’s just that some stories are better left unsaid. Don’t ask me though, if everything’s worth it. I honestly can’t tell. All I know is that it will always be our decision to trust someone, and most often than not, it’s up to them to take good care of it. Close minded to some, na├»ve to others, that’s fine. The worst part is questioning yourself already - which I believe I unintentionally asked on the first part of this post. I don’t know, I am just utterly fixated with how and where I am now. Seems so vague I know, but this is just how I can fully explain it through writing.

This is not a case of read between the lines, this is not an avenue for assumptions. This is my heart speaking and wanting to release even just a little percent of it on this platform which I hardly use already due to the fact that being private is not an invited word to the party of social media community. But spare me, the sacrifices are overwhelming. Just please, seriously please, stand by me despite its meek shadow. That even on the anonymity of it all, you would still love to see me smile. That even on my silence, I will still deserve respect.
Time and trust. The longer you trust someone, the deeper you are sunken to its every essence. Now, I guess it’s too late to even gauge it. I am down there already, below that deep carving of conviction. Believe in the goodness of people. I am off to start a new chapter in my life soon, there will be new people to meet, new friends to share laughter with, new playing field, new characters to trust… but this time, with tears falling on agreement, I won’t let myself to be too nice anymore, to be sympathetic, to be submissive. Like what I have said: spare me, the sacrifices are overwhelming.