Tuesday, January 6, 2015

S.O.S.

So another year has ended. How did mine go? Specifically in terms of matters of the heart, it has been a never ending whirlwind. Admittedly up until as of writing, the whirlwind hasn't stopped. I wish it will, i wish it did. But it keeps turning and turning to almost the degree where it goes beyond what has been expected, at the brim of what I can handle. Swaying to God knows where.

I started last year with choices: the old love or the new. I chose the old love. You know when you get into a situation where a big part of your past suddenly comes back just when you have found the right guy, the question of "what if" can haunt you every night. What if there's a reason why it happened? What if the new one is the right one? What if we (the past) were given a second chance? It will never be an option to keep both. So I didn't.

But as the year ended, these two words kept flashing back into my consciousness again - "What if?". What if I made the other choice, what if I went for the morally acceptable option? Could I have been happier? 

For all it's worth, this relationship I decided to pursue has taught me so much, and I will forever be grateful for such wonderful experiences and memories. Ow the gallon of tears shed out of love, frustration, hatred, and most of all, hurt. Just to set your expectations, this is not your typical love story. The boy and the girl falls in love, swam their way to the ocean of commitment where a cruise of spectators applause for approval and support. NO. 

Ours is an island. Quiet, unknown, isolated, lost, tragic, beautiful.

I live in a world with him where nobody hears our laughters and tears. Only him, only me. Only us. And so those happy memories are neatly kept in my own little treasure box that I can never brag about to anyone... no matter how I want the world wide web to see it. These moments, are silently kept in my heart. And the sad ones? They're all tucked in the filthy garbage, together with our other many excess baggages, errr, I mean garbages. These moments, unfortunately are scarred in my heart too. 

This is special. As much agony this relationship has caused me, it will remain special. Not all are chosen to experience such an unexplainable connection with someone, that no matter how time brought them apart, no matter how judgment inflicted pain and fear on them, that boomerang just won't give up. 

I thought that was enough. I learned more about handling relationships because of him. I have seen my worst, also because of him. I have never exercised stupidity this much, yet I have never showcased such patience and understanding this way too. The emotions went high to low, one can always give up. But my favorite "bunny" never failed to swing me back to him. Thank you for the one hundred and one reasons why getting back with you was worth it. That includes meeting my family too. You have set a feat quite hard to exceed, on many ways, in many circumstances. 

Now if I am asked until when do I see myself holding on, maybe until to what I can handle. Until there is the longing to hope. The hope of surprises, of normal dates, of sweet gestures, of security, the hope of feeling special just even for a day. I believe in any relationship, surprises doesn't equate to any materialistic nor idealistic impression. Sometimes you would just love to be reminded that hey, you deserve it. The whole whirlwind of 2014 (and half of our 2013) with him has been plotting answers to my "What ifs" all along. I thought him loving me is all I wanted, that even with the situation we are in right now, I'll be okay. Until day by day, slowly I was feeling ordinary. Non-existent even. Or maybe the weight of the "situation" has been dragging me to feel that way. Suddenly I have been missing so much of what could have been if I stayed with the right guy. And by 'right guy' I meant 'right timing'. Because if you haven't figured it out yet, the bunny hopped when he shouldn't have. And I obliged to give the carrot. 

I'm so longing to be on the right path now, where effortlessly things will fall into place. Where I can wake up and assure myself that I am special to someone. Where I am number one. I know he loves me, I credit all efforts. But it's the sad reality where there are gonna be things I won't ever experience, because it's me. It's just me. It's over a year of sacrifice, really. I feel that I just want to rest. Everyday I pray that I will have the courage to love someone else again. I know what I deserve and I know who deserves me.

The island has been getting lonelier and lonelier as the year turns. The waves are getting higher, it's quite hard to run away to. I may have loads of reasons why I should continue to stay and love you, but this hole in my heart has been yearning for something I know you won't be able to patch. Blame it on your ocean, it can outweigh its current over you. Blame it on the whirlwind, it may just sweep off all even to the last grain of sand. Or blame it on our island, it was never enough and sturdy for us to jump off our own ocean.