Friday, December 29, 2006

I STARTED AND ENDED IT WITH A QUESTION

QUESTIONS… I’ve got tons of that kept in my pocket.

My POCKET, underneath it is a hollow soul.

This SOUL is searching from every part of my body, down to the very end of my feet.

These FEET have been to all the journeys I’ve gone through.

JOURNEYS which have made me wiser and mature, life indeed is one hell of a roller coaster.

The ROLLER COASTER of my life made my head twirl, my stomach stumble and my hands wave up high.

HIGH above the dreams I only see.

I SEE my faults and mishaps as I close my eyes.

My EYES shed tears as I fall in love.

I LOVE to be cared for, to be embraced and hopefully, to be respected.

RESPECT, I need that, I believe that I deserve that… to hell with you if you don’t think I do.

DO what you’re supposed to do, follow what will make you happy, be oblivious to the monsters surrounding you… believe me you don’t need them right now.

NOW is the right time, now is the moment to smile.

SMILE when you see him, smile when you don’t, smile when he leaves you, but it’s healthy to cry.

CRY… he never saw me cry, but he heard me many times, I’m not sure though if he cared.

I CARED for him for a long time, and until now, I still do… I just stop letting it show.

My life’s a SHOW, sometimes I play the role I’m not supposed to have, say the lines he never has to hear.

HEAR me when I say that I’m stronger, it’s better to leave you alone, but he’ll remain special, he’s still in my prayers.

PRAYERS are sometimes answered, most of the time they’re not - not right now, but just wait.

I’ll WAIT for that someone silently, until my heart goes numb, until my mind could speak.

SPEAK the answers behind me, speak loudly so I can hear… I need desperately the answers to my questions.

QUESTIONS… I’ve got tons of that in my pocket…

Life’s a cycle, what goes around comes around… we only have to deal with it to survive.

Good luck and a happy new year to y’all!

Sunday, November 19, 2006

ANY REBUTTALS?

yes we are the champion for this year's debate competition! our team consists of 3 boys and 1 girl *malamang ako yung girl noh?*, gosh all my team mates are from the higher years *intimidating!*, and i was chosen to be the government whip *pressure pressure*!
actually we didn't expect to win, which made the victory taste better! and to add cherry on top of it, our team mate kuya John Paul got the best debater award!!! wooohooo! we each received a trophy... and that one above belongs to moi! haha!

Friday, August 25, 2006

NO SMALL PARTS, ONLY SMALL ACTORS

i was 1 of the 2 options to play the lead role madame butterfly in this production, unfortunately the other one was chosen. i ended up having a small role instead. i wanna quit, really, i want to... but i dont want to be called a quitter so i didnt.

i gave justice to the role on the performance itself though, and you know what... i received many good comments and praise =) i was even asked to audition for another bigger production! there, i realized that true enough...
"there are no small parts, only small actors!" - Stanislavsky

Friday, July 7, 2006

WHAT HURTS THE MOST - rascal flatts


I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok
But that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' It
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

NOT SEEING THAT LOVING YOU
THAT WAS I WAS TRYING TO DO!

Ooohhh....



I hope not to miss you, I hope not to love you anymore… everything’s painful, esp. knowing that it’s not worth it… from the start!

Saturday, May 20, 2006

I SAW KELVIN!!

la lng, like i was in cloud9 when i saw my fave NCAA player na c Kelvin Charles dela Peña of Mapua Cardinals knina around starbux (gateway), haha,, pglabas coh i saw him sitting alone sa gilid na prang he's waiting 4 sum1(hmm, at cno nman un),,tpos pg tingin nya,,nsabe q na lng s frnd coh:"grbe,c kelvin un,pramis,,sya tlaga!"..at di nman xa klala ng frnd q so i wasnt able 2 share my enthusiasm 2 her,hai.., hanggang sa cnundan q kung noh ggwen nya s loob ng starbux ksama frnd q,, (stalker?haha),, tpos lumabas sya ule, umupo s prang sahig where he seated nung una(pro sa kabilang gilid nga lng,,detalyado!) while waiting for sumbody,epal pa ung guard xe pnaalis sya don,,bawal dw ata (damn,feeling nung guard ha,hehe),, den sobrang kileg pren aq habang sumusulyap<-d term (nsa 'about meh' q pa xa s 3rd acct q eh,kya meeting him is like,,whew,,grabe),,so pra matahimik lng aq eh pinilit aq ng frnd coh lumapet s kanya.. so eion,, lumapet aq and i asked him if he's kelvin dela peña (pa-effect lng pra may msabe,though im sure it's him),,tpos xmpre ngiti sya den sbe q pa na buti na lng sya ung rookie of d year, and na nainis aq sa PCU xe tinalo cla,,blah2,,tpos he's waiting dw for his team mates xe dey have practice pa:npa-hirit 2loy aq ng "team mates? meron pa?",,pro 2mawa na lng aq,,xmpre dpat sya lng,,haha! he's so nice,,tpos xmpre may pic kme kso putcha wlang gprs pra m-send s mail so.. so,so,so sad...hai(may akbay pa nman un),but damn he's tall pla tlaga *earth to rani, he's a basketball player*.. la lng,i was kinda sad dat day (knina un),,pro bec.of dat unintentional blessing,, di na meh mxadong nbad3p,,hai! tnx kelvin! haha,, oh by d way, he asked my name,,, but im sure he wouldnt rmember it,, oh well, next time,, ill make sure he's gonna remember it! hmm,, pno kaya? haha,,! ;-P

Sunday, April 30, 2006

AGAIN I GO UNNOTICED - dashboard confessional

So quiet
Another wasted night,
The television steals
The conversation
Exhale
Another wasted breath,
Again it goes unnoticed.


Please tell me you're
Just feeling tired
'cause if it's more than
That I feel that I might break
Out of touch, out of time.
Please send me anything
But signals that are mixed
Cause I can't read
Your rolling eyes
Out of touch,
Are we out of time?

Close lipped
Another goodnight kiss
Is robbed of all it's passion,
Your grip
Another time, is slack
It leaves me feeling empty.

I'll wait until tomorrow
Maybe you'll feel better then
Maybe we'll be better then
So what's another day
When I can't bear
These nights of thoughts
Of going on without you
This mood of yours is temporary
It seems worth the wait
To see your smile again
Out of the corner of your eye
Won't be the only way
You'll look at me then


contrary to the song,, im actually happy being 'unnoticed',, it’s not like I didn’t try at all!

Monday, April 17, 2006

It Was Easter (darksis!)



It was easter Sunday and I went to starbucks too meet my kada from high school. We collectively call ourselves “darksisters” (but it was originally called 'Montiel'). We’ve been together for 4years now (well, I’ve been w/ them for 3years though since I’m a new student when we were in 3rd yr). It’s sad to know that we get to meet each other once in a while only since we’re all in college already (except for kats, but she will be soon!).

We decided to meet up to celebrate our day *15* (our anniversary is Feb.15), but yesterday was 16, so it was a belated celebration. Nine of us came, peby, kats, meg (w/ her bf nathan), joyce, fetoo, zai, kevin, rexzy & yours truly. The main thing that made this day special was the time when kats initiated to finally say something about the never ending fight between rexzy & kevin over zai. It’s almost a year since this brawl started. I mean, we’re a group, and this is not healthy. It didn’t started well though but as both sides was heard, and resolutions were somehow laid on the table, big smiles and deafening laughter finally came out.

Those left (me, joyce, zai, fetoo kevin and rexzy) decided to go to Off D Grill. Argh, the country song is irritating, the heat was infuriating and we just really have to leave. We transferred to Pier1, rexzy, kevin and zai ordered food while the rest preferred to drink. It was kuya joff who assisted us (whatever, hehe). It was nice to look at them, in one table full of laughter. It’s really been a long time since we got to share stories without any feeling of awkwardness and hesitations. We’ve blabbed about stories of wistfulness, to college life, and practically to everything funny and good source of gag.

Finally, we decided to go home, and I guess everything turned out well. As rexzy puts it, let them be ‘casual friends’, and I agree, it’s safer that way. I just hope that there is still some room for forgiveness, and I know there is… pride should be over and done.

I love you darksis, and though I’ve met a lot of kadas after high school, though I’ve had my own kada after high school… those in my high school days can still never be replaced. We are beautiful and we are judged, we are stubborn yet we have matured (I hope), but the ‘cute’ laughter and ‘sweet’ tears we’ve shared is what’s important.

It was Easter Sunday, and we celebrated a friendship reborn.


Sunday, April 2, 2006

AFTER A WHILE

After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesnt mean leaning and
company doesnt mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses arent contracts
and presents arent promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats with your
head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an
adult, not the grief of a child, And you learn to build
all your roads on today because tomorrows
ground is too uncertain for plans.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if
you get too much.
So plant your own garden and decorate your own
soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you
flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
That you really are strong, and you really do have
worth.
And you learn and you learn
with every good-bye you learn!

Thursday, February 2, 2006

LOVE STORY OF A BAD BOY

Yes7
May.14, 2004
>… I was introduced by my friend to Mr. Gian Karl Legarda. Actually, he was called Poknat by almost everyone he knows (since he have one, and has been kalbo or semi-kal ever since, so it’s pretty obvious plus he’s really fair skinned). My 1st impression you might ask? Typical bad boy, digging chicks and racing cars, smoking weed and present to all sorts of frat fights!

November 27, 2004
… Poknat with some of his friends and I went to Sibil. This was those times when both of us got close already and he has been my kalokohan buddy since then.

December 15, 2004
… Just a day after a break-up, Poknat was there to be my comfort zone w/c is the least person I expected to help me since he’s really not your usual ‘shoulder to cry on’ guy!
This was also the time when he became my ‘honey’,, nah, we just started calling each other hon that time for kalokohan purposes as usual ;-P

January 01, 2005
… He asked me if he could court me, and I said yes...
But my bad, I went in to a relationship 18 days after, and it’s not with him. He still waited. I had another relationship (short term), again it’s not with him… but he still waited.

May 24, 2005
… Me and his friends decided to drink at Cholo’s house since everybody’s bored and yeah, most of us are depressed that time! When some of us started getting dizzy and all, we decided to stop the session for a while. I chose to sit on the floor while listening to heart wrenching songs which probably made us more drunk and depressed.
Poknat seated right next to me, even though I know that he’s still mad for letting him court me for how many months while I was happy having my ‘own’ relationships. I’m quiet, he’s irritating! He keeps on singing the songs played as if he was directly telling it to me word by word. At last, someone broke the ice… he started asking me if I’m okay (pa-concern effect), and I acknowledged his concern by honestly saying no.
He started initiating questions which revealed every hurt that I feel at that time. And as usual, he became my comfort zone again, and again, and again. He gave me advices about the pains I’ve felt on my previous relationships, even if I know that this hurts and humiliates him a lot. He was kind enough to let me cry on his shoulders (literally), and hugged me as tightly as he could possibly hug every pain I’m experiencing that moment. And right that very second that I looked into his eyes, I saw and felt him taking away all those pains, he was hurting too like I never imagined he would!

I started realizing what a fool I am for not recognizing his love right from the start. I started crying not for my past but for the times I’ve hurt him. And I started wishing that he would ask me again… to be his girlfriend. Minutes passed… and he didn’t ask me. Not until we stood up to drink water! He whispered to himself (which I could perfectly hear) while helping me stand up: “Kung ako na lang kasi yung sinagot eh no? Tanga tanga kasi eh,tsk2 ”! I didn’t waste anytime, I looked at him and told him: “Ikaw na nga sasagutin ko eh, para di na ako tanga… ok lang ba?” while flashing my shy smile =)
At first he couldn’t believe what I said so I repeated it loudly and clearly so that he can finally answer my question and make it official (huh? At ako ang nag-propose?hehe). Of course he said that I could answer him already, then we both hugged, after that he ran into the living room where everybody’s probably dreaming already and shouted: “KAMI NA!!! FINALLY, AFTER 5 MONTHS OF WAITING!!! TOL GISING KAYO, PUTA NAMAN OH, SUPPORT NAMAN!!!” He successfully woke them up, and since almost everyone’s recharged already… we continued drinking, but this time, with a celebration, hehe!

October 03, 2005
… We’ve been together for 4 ½ months already, but suddenly he asked for a cool-off (hello, like it’s really helpful). But I respected his decision. We didn’t have much communication for 3 long weeks, I didn’t noticed how time pass by. For all I know, he’s unfair for making such decisions (he didn’t told me his reason).

October 24, 2005
… Just in time for our 5th monthsary, we decided to fix things up. He told me that he read a friendster message of mine to a friend (since he knows my password) which says how sad I am on how our relationship was going. All my complaints about him was there on that message, and he read it! I told my friend that Poks is slowly being possessive and narrow minded, so he decided to give me space and so that he could also ponder on his attitude change. But the cool-off resulted to a sin he said he didn’t really wanna do =’(

I didn’t cry when he confessed it to me (it’s gonna be our lil secret, hehe). I just listened to him on the other line. I don’t wanna cry… coz I don’t wanna believe everything he said! I forgave him though it’s hard. I love him and I understand him. The distance probably made him do that (that’s what he said). And after weeks of not seeing each other, how can I not miss him… so I chose not to be mad!

Our relationship went well. Yes, there have been a lot of fights, misunderstandings, tears and wounds. But we’ve been together for how many months, I don’t wanna let those things get in our way. There our times when I miss the old him, but I still appreciate who he is. Every monthsary was a memorable one. He surprises me with all those sweet gifts. I just don’t wanna let go, I weigh in the pros and the cons, and forcefully put the high mark on the pros to lessen my hesitations!

But maybe even on how much you love a person, if the hurting is too much, no matter how you understand the situation… your grip will slowly give in! I decided to break up with him. December 24 is our 7th monthsary, next day Christmas, there’s no way I can do this! Again, I held on to my grip and just patiently waited for a miracle… that everything will be back to normal...

January 03, 2006
… Fresh from Baguio (where he spent the holidays), he fetched me in school and we went to the mall. At the back of my mind, I know that I should break up with him. But damn, how we missed each other so much!
Going home, he asked me how my Christmas vacation was sarcastically (he was pertaining to the parties I’ve gone to), and I have no idea why does he have to be so sarcastic most of the time! We started having an argument in the cab. We started shouting at each other not minding the driver. I just wanna cry! I told myself, that’s it… this has got to end now! I told the driver to drop us in starbucks (can’t think of any place at all). He continued being sarcastic and pinpointing every wrong move I’ve done!

When we arrived in starbucks (UN), it’s a weird thing that he suddenly became his old self and started joking me… desperately making me laugh (hmm, maybe he sensed my plan, I dunno!). And that’s it, while drinking our favorite frappe and lighting a cigarette, I uttered the words: “ayoko na, pagod na ko, we need a break-up… ngayon na! ” He smiled, telling me how corny and dramatic I was. I looked at him and was really pissed off, I almost shouted, but fine, I’m gonna disgrace myself if I do. I explained everything, I don’t wanna be unfair to him, I want him to be aware on every reason why I was provoked to make this decision. In the end, I still reminded him that it has nothing to do with me not loving him anymore, but it’s about me not happy with the love I’m feeling already! He kept quiet the whole time, he still didn’t wanna believe, but I forced him to.
On our way to my house was the longest trip I had with him. Usually when he’s gonna accompany me home (whether he brought a car or from a cab), he would only drop me near our house and not exactly in front of our gate. But that time, I asked him to go down near our house, and walk with me from the gate. We said our goodbyes while avoiding tears from falling. I told him to go already but he insisted me to get in our house first before he leaves, but I said no. I said that I don’t wanna be the one to turn my back up to the last time we’re together. I want him to turn his back on me. And as he was walking away, I just looked at him… slowly his image fades away from the dim street. I went in our house crying, but I know I made the right decision, I love him… but I’m just tired. I love him… but it’s not making me any stronger. I love him… but it’s making me lonelier. I love him… but it doesn’t make me happy anymore! =’(

Jan.07, 2006
...It’s the 2yr. old bday of Pok’s nephew. His family invited me a day before (my god, he didn’t told them yet!). I said yes coz I also wanna be with his family even for the last time. Poks met me in an LRT station nearest to san juan (where he lives). We went to the party pretending to be a sweet couple. Smiling at each other when we really just wanna cry. Introducing me to his other relatives as his girlfriend and then whispering to me afterwards: “mamimiss ko to… introducing you as my girlfriend”. His sister was a wedding planner and even announced: “Hay nako, ako ang magha-handle sa kasal nitong 2”! After that incident, I asked him to lend me his car key or just accompany me inside the car. We both sat quietly in the car while smoking a cigarette. He asked me what’s the matter, and I just started crying. I told him that I can’t stand it anymore. Seeing his family so supportive on our relationship, and there I was, gave up already. He hugged me and wiped my tears. I stayed in the party as a sign of respect. I bravely became an actress to a role I am not fitted anymore. And as I was about to leave, I hugged his parents and siblings (and kuya ken’s gf w/c became so close to me already). I’m gonna miss them!

…tomorrow will be a month after we broke up. Tomorrow will be exactly one month since I let go. It was his bday yesterday (Feb.1) and my bday 3 days ago (Jan.30), we could have celebrated it together. Jan.24 was supposedly our 8th monthsary, we could have gone out and have dinner together. Feb.14, Valentines day, we could have been one of the couples celebrating love. This was all what could have been, what should have been… but everything’s never had been anymore.

Hon (we decided to still call each other honey until one of us gets in a relationship again), I always wanna thank you for letting out my capabilities to love a person unselfishly. Thank you coz from January to present… you loved me despite unconsciously hurting you. I’ll never forget how you never fail to make me laugh whenever you dance the gigolo steps, or how you mimic your older sister whenever he scolds at you. I’ll never forget the times when you patiently taught me how to park a car, to play the guitar and a lil drums, to play billiards and most of all, I’ll never forget how you taught me basketball… you’re my favorite playmate! I’ll always remember how loud you cheer whenever I earn a 3-point shot. You never fail to flatter me whenever you whisper: “galeng ng hon coh” everytime I sing and either you or mackoy plays the guitar. How can I forget surprises, unexpected gifts, sweet comments and lovely smiles whenever I’m down.

Yes, you’ve been a pain in the ass, but I hope I’ve changed you somehow or another. You told me yesterday if you could still wait… I said no. Poks how many times do you have to wait? I don’t want history to repeat itself. Just be thankful that at least, for 7 ½ months, we’ve been together, nothing to wait for anything anymore. And remember, love doesn’t make people wait, if you love someone then you shouldn’t play with time and promises… and that’s exactly what I’m doing!
I hope I taught you many things, like being brave. You’re not brave by all the fights you’ve gone to. By all the punches you made and received, I never saw you brave at those times. I always told you to face your problems, never, and I mean never, expect beer and weed to help you. Oh by the way, I’m not a rehab, just bec.you didn’t take any weed at those times that we’re together, it doesn’t mean that I’m the reason for it. The thing is, you just don’t have any reason for taking one. Even now, it’s not a reason, just be brave hon… don’t want you to be the bad boy again?!

Sorry for everything… almost one month, and we’re slowly getting farther and farther from each other. I never wanna hurt you, but that’s what loving is all about. I have also forgiven you despite all the emotional and physical hurt this relationship has caused me, don’t worry, I don’t regret anything at all. My life gets lovelier and complete whenever I hear ‘I love you’ from you. The pain’s all worth it, this made me love you more… but we just have to let it all burn. I want you to love someone who can bring out all the best in you. I want you be the happy Gian that I’ve met before. Take good care of yourself honey coh. It’s okay if you still don’t wanna make friends with me. I know that somewhere, somehow, whenever that is… you’ll be my unexpected comfort zone and my shoulder to cry on again… just like I never imagined a typical bad boy would do! =)