Friday, May 1, 2009



I lost him last night because of one of the usual causes of road accidents… riding motorcycles without helmet.

Like who would have thought that someone so healthy, ambitious, cheerful and smart would die just like that. I received a call from a friend 10pm Tuesday night (April 28) telling me to buy load for our friend so he can call Jake, and so I did looked for a place to buy load as I was also about to go to a friend’s office to drink.

That same night I heard about Jake’s motorcycle accident. I was drinking with friends and didn’t bother THAT much thinking that everything will be okay.

BUT I WAS WRONG. Jake passed away Wednesday night, 7:30pm (April 29). I didn’t cry at first, or I was trying not to cry. I drank with friends and just let the night pass me by. Before I write this I went to Arlington to visit my good good buddy. Still charming, and yeah, still smiling. That was the time I cried.

I was just with him last week, we were just singing in his car last week, he was just tutoring me on Corel last week, we were just pigging out on Japanese food last week… last week and this week, who would have thought that those 2 weeks can make a difference?


I’ve related selfishness because that same night when Jake died I had a good talk with a good friend about being called selfish or basically following your passion to the expense of hurting someone’s feelings. See I have been consistently called selfish in four months by men I’ve sincerely had feelings for. Selfish for not being able to give them time due to some goal oriented reasons. I get lonely sometimes thinking that maybe they’re right, I may have the brains but I have a frail heart. I may satisfy my passion but ends up disregarding the emotions of my partner. Yes I suppose that’s selfishness, and sometimes I can’t help but feel guilty whenever I am alone and wondering: what if I’ve given them the time they needed?

See we all live our lives each day differently. As for me, I live each day making sure that it will have a good effect on my future. But what made me think is how tricky life can be, one day they’re there, next thing you know, they’re gone. So would that mean that I should chase my dreams, fulfill my passion, reach for my goals while I’m still young and alive or show the people I care for how much important they are before they’re gone?

What if I wanna do both? I wanna be good in the industry I’m planning to embrace wholeheartedly but I am ALSO yearning to be with someone to hug and to hold, to hug and to hold only at those times that I can afford. Selfish isn’t it?

But how do I live my life, I am commending myself for the things I’m learning in the field of arts, but I am also gradually blaming myself for this empty feeling in my heart…

I am going to look for someone ‘SELFISH’ and I’ll make sure to live each day making people smile, making myself smile, and yes making him smile everyday until we die.

Jake probably knows why I am writing selfishness with death. It could have been us Jake, but I am selfish, and so I set you free.



Tin said...

Nothing's harder than loosing a friend close to you. We'll never know how our day is going to treat us. Condolence, Fao. I know he's happy 'cause he shared his life with a good friend by his side. YOU. :)

fao rani said...

aaaw, thanks tin! i am blessed too for having him as a friend...and hope this serves as a lesson for all motorcycle drivers..

god bless u dear ;)

Liza said...

aw... I am so sorry to hear that...

I hope he is happy now and is with God...

Condolence to you and your friends.

fao rani said...

yeah, i believe he's happy with our Creator =)
we do miss him a lot though ;/